“Did you forget
why you are here, Seth? Do you really not remember? Did
you forget about her? Do you know who she was? What they
did to her? Can you just forget about that, Seth?”
The voices were back.
Monotonous, whispering voices, from the deepest part of
his soul. The dark side of his soul that now lived its
very own life. That’s also where the dreams came from.
Dark images, filled with blood, with Death in a leading
role.
Seth covered his ears in an attempt to not listen. But
the voices came from within and resounded through his
mind. He moaned in pain, slamming his fists against the
brick wall in front of him, until his hands were
bleeding and his fingers were numb.
‘Leave me alone!’ he whispered.
A desperate cry that no one would answer.
“Do you remember now, Seth? Lisa… Lisa… Lisa…”
The name burned on his lips and felt like endless,
excruciating cuts inside his chest.
‘Leave me alone,’ he whispered and he fell to his knees.
“Go and get them, Seth. Find them and bring them to
here. All of them…”
I knew I would go
insane. Sooner or later it finds you and turns you, if
you want to or not. It’s useless to fight. In the end
you will give up and then there’s no way back.
It’s been two months, three weeks, six days and fourteen
hours since I became insane. The minutes I don’t
remember exactly. The insane have other concerns.
Like keeping the psychiatrists and wards at bay, with
their medicines that try to shut you from reality. They
tried it once, to shut me off. With their calming drugs
they made me forget about the world. Don’t they
understand that it’s worse inside my head than it is out
there? Now my goddess is vanished, the paradise in my
mind has turned to a flaming hell where I don’t want to
be.
Sometimes she comes to me, my goddess. But only if my
mind is clear. If I haven’t slept and eaten for days.
Usually I can see her for a few seconds, before they
come and drug me and take her away once more.
‘You don’t remember why you killed those men?’
Across the table sits a man. He’s wearing a suit and
glasses. His face is marked with deep wrinkles that
seemed to cut deeper in his skin as he looks at me with
squeezed eyes. This is my attorney.
‘I know exactly why I killed them,’ I reply. My voice
does no longer sound like mine. It hasn’t sounded like
that for more than two months. It is as if someone else
speaks for me and I let it happen. After all, I am
insane.
My attorney looks at me and I see he doesn’t understand.
But who can blame him? I hardly understand myself. How
could I have so brutally executed those three men?
At least, that’s what the headlines said: Husband
brutally executes three men. Who would have thought?
That I could do a thing like that. I can’t remember any
of it. Not of the act itself, nor the moment they
arrested me for it. I only remember the day they took my
goddess. And the day I went insane.
‘You don’t remember when or how you did it, but you do
remember why? Is that correct?’
My attorney is a funny man. I enjoy the way he struggles
with his words and thoughts. It is almost entertaining.
I nod, in agreement to his statement and to feed the
confusion even more. He really doesn’t understand. If
only he asked me ‘why’ instead of ‘how’.
It takes a while for him to finally comprehend the rules
of the game, and he asks me ‘WHY did you do it then?’
I hear the voice answering: ‘Because of what they did to
Lisa.’
… There it is... Not the reason, not the why, but the
name. The name I haven’t spoken out loud since the day
she was taken from me. Lisa.
Sweet and so full of happiness.
I repeat the name a few times. ‘Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.’
And I know it is time. Now I can go and they will leave
me in peace.
I let myself sink deep into my insanity. I will no
longer sleep, I will no longer eat. Until my head is
clear and my goddess will come again. Until Lisa will
come and we will be together at last.
“Completely
lost. He is beyond our help now. Even if they imprison
him for life, he will never leave this place.”
The voices were back. This time no voices that came from
within, but from behind a thick wall of impenetrable
fog.
Seth covered his ears in an attempt to not listen.
‘Leave me alone,’ he whispered.