I don’t know much about the first
years of my life. Somehow all the things that happened
in those vital first years have been erased. I know that
somewhere they are there, because sometimes I see the
glimpses of memories that linger inside my head - that
keep me company at night and in my sleep. Reflections of
three forgotten years that are never clear. Close, but
unreachable, surrounding themselves by shadows and
darkness.
The first clear image of my life that I can recall, that
surfaces from time to time, is the face of an old man -
not aged, but marked by life - with stormy, grey eyes
that expressed the pride and warmth of a father’s love
for his daughter. Right then I knew that I would be safe
in his company. That there would be nothing to fear, for
my father became and already was, one of the most
important men that shared my life.
Despite this pleasant memory, there remains an image
that I desperately wish I could remember. An image that
has to be somewhere, I’m sure, and that I will find one
day - the face of my mother. Her life ended when mine
began and when I think of her, I feel both regret and
pride. Sorrow for lost memories and time we never
shared, but honored to be her daughter, because deep
inside I know she was special and she would have loved
me.
Blending into this, there are the
memories of childhood. If I close my eyes, I can see
myself running, jumping, playing with my brothers.
Twirling around, while sharp claws playfully scratch,
fangs bite ears and tails, in the midst of a chaotic
heap of colorful fur. I do remember those days and they
bring a smile to my face - the early years of young
Lycan that now seem free, and without care for the real
world that lies in wait. If only I had known then what I
know now I would have enjoyed every moment of that to
the fullest.
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
Within the pack my father gave lead
to, every man, woman and child was considered a parent
and sibling to each and every one of us. My brother Halo
and I were the only ones blood related to the alpha.
There were ten years between us, and most of my first
years I spent in a close distance from him. But even
though we didn’t share all of our life together, he was
always nearby; watching me and silently protecting me -
because in the pack I was not only the youngest, but
also the only daughter.
While first I was considered one of the brothers, things
changed when time passed and we became older. Both my
human and Lycan body grew and the true Lycan soul
surfaced. I experienced new thrills during our hunts and
every more often I’d change into my Lycan form to wander
the woods, curious about the new things that came my way
- new feelings, new desires, and a silent wish to fill
the part of me that grew emptier.
My brothers and I grew into
adolescence and though I loved them with every inch of
my heart, the distance between us increased each rising
moon. The games we played became of a whole new meaning.
The playful wrestles turned into aggressive fights to
decide who was on top of our hierarchy. The teasing
bites and occasional sniffs turned into eager licks and
dominant biting, leaded by a growing wish to mate.
On my seventeenth birthday the full moon marked the dark
sky. In my family reaching this age was a reason for
celebration, for it was considered the crossing from
adolescence to maturity. And though I didn’t feel grown,
I knew I had no choice but to accept this new status,
just like I knew soon the first male would come and try
to claim me as his mate. I accepted, knowing I couldn’t
escape that faith, but secretly I enjoyed every last day
of my free life…
That last day came faster than I wished for when my
father became ill. At first he tried to hide - it was
not an alpha’s place to show weakness - but soon his
eyes grew colder, and the warmth and authority they once
reflected vanished.
Halo stood beside me while we watched over him in those
last days of his life. I remember holding Halo’s hand as
the air filled with the scent of nearing death, and he
held me close as if he sensed the growing sadness and
despair inside of me. As if he knew, just like me, that
things would change dramatically…
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
It was Halo’s destiny to become the
new leader of the pack. Until then he had always been
second in command. It was not only because he was a pure
blood descendant, but also because he had shown himself
worthy and strong enough to take on such a heavy
responsibility. And I had faith in him; I knew he would
be a great leader.
Sadly not everyone in the pack agreed to that, and it
was only a few hours after we buried my father’s body
the first struggles began. At first they seemed like
meaningless argues about the new structure that had to
be chosen, but soon things started to become more
aggressive. Already the next morning the first of my
brothers challenged Halo to defend his position.
Halo accepted the challenge – because he had no other
choice. It took less than a few minutes for him to
change into his Lycan form. They fought and Halo won,
leaving him wounded and the other barely alive.
He walked firm and straight, not showing any sign of
weakness or pain, all the way to the house. But in the
bedroom he collapsed, as soon as I closed the door. I
took care of his wounds and I stayed with him while he
rested; a big, black wolf and a little girl, nestled
close against each other on the bed
‘Do you know about them, Syrdin?’ he asked me without
words, his grey eyes focused on me. ‘Do you know what
they are?’
I shook my head, confused by his question.
‘They are half breeds,’ Halo said. ‘All hand picked by
him.’ His words were no more then growling sounds,
filled with a sudden anger that made me shiver. But my
fingers kept stroking the thick black fur and I laid my
head against it, whispering, ‘Dad told me he never
turned anyone… He told me he never changed any human
into a Lycan.’
‘I’m sorry, little girl, but he did. There are no pure
blood Lycans in this pack, except you and me. That’s why
they refuse to accept the change. It’s their nature to
want to take lead.’
He shifted closer to me, his nose pushing gently against
my cheek.
‘We are outnumbered,’ his words whispered in my head.
‘We will have to stick together if we want to live.
Things won’t be like they were, Syr. We will have to
fight or we will both be killed.’
I nodded and pressed myself against him, no longer able
to hold back the sadness that haunted me all those days.
I cried for what seemed like hours. Crying for the loss
of the one person I trusted more then anyone – crying
for that trust that was taken so easily, with just a few
words.
After that morning, life changed.
Halo didn’t sleep any longer and he didn’t leave my
sight. He was always close, like he had always been, but
this time I understood why. This time I could sense the
danger as well.
There were more challenges, although some of the members
seemed to understand and accept that Halo was their new
alpha. Three men lost the battle and two retreated from
the group, to find their fortune somewhere else. Things
seemed to calm down within the pack, but the silence
wasn’t pleasant. It brought a new sense of threat,
something far worse than what I had felt until then.
Halo sensed it too and I noticed the little changes in
him. He grew more restless while time passed and it
seemed like we were both waiting for what was going to
come.
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
It was the fifth challenge that
brought things together. The contender was one of Halo’s
age. His name was Cevrik and at young age I already
learned to stay out of his way. He had the reputation of
fighting and killing and had lived in several packs
before my father accepted him.
During that last fight, I realized I wasn’t the only one
who noticed Halo’s restlessness. Cevrik knew it too,
just as he knew that Halo was tired. While they fought
Halo barely managed to stand up against the giant wolf
that kept attacking over and over.
I couldn’t stand and watch, but I couldn’t find myself
to move either. Frozen in fear I stood there, watching
my brother slowly giving in to his exhaustion while
Cevrik kept cutting and biting him. The ground colored
red and the air filled with growling sounds of pain and
determination.
Finally Halo fell. He hit the ground hard and I could
hear him gasping for air. He tried to stand, over and
over, but we both knew it was done. He
was beaten – and I could see the shame and pain of his
defeat reflected in his eyes, while I felt my own anger
and despair rising, aroused by the smirking looks and
grinning comments from the males and females surrounding
us.
I started moving towards Halo, the
image of him wounded and barely breathing made my fury
only grow more. I was willing to fight each and every
one of them to show them they had been wrong, but a
hand, firm and strong, grabbed me and pulled me back.
The foul stench of sweat and blood filled my nose when
Cevrik pulled me against his bare chest, almost
instantly securing his grip by locking me against his
naked body with his arm against my throat.
‘And here would be my trophy,’ he grinned. His voice was
a low, dark growl in my ear that raised my heartbeat in
fear and anger.
‘No!’
I started fighting, struggling and kicking to get free,
but the man just laughed while I tried to fight him, as
if it didn’t matter. Tears of hopelessness clouded my
view and burned my eyes in a desperate attempt to kick
him with my feet.
I felt the eyes of the people around us, the Lycans I
shared my youth with, that were my family for so long –
some of them now looking at me with hungry, hateful
eyes, others turning their heads and walking away from
the scene as if nothing had happened.
‘Oh, but you are,’ Cevrik whispered. ‘You’re mine now...
And when I’m done with you I will share you with my
brothers.’
I felt my breath catching when he pointed at the rest of
the males that stood there, their eyes locked on me for
a long moment, before they started moving. My stomach
turned when two of them grabbed Halo. I saw him
struggling, his eyes burning up again in anger and for a
moment I thought – hoped – he would still be strong
enough. But he only managed to get his arm free for a
moment, a deep growl escaping him as he tried to free
himself.
‘No! Please!’ I screamed when the two started beating
him again, until the muddy ground was red with his blood
and he sank to his knees, held down by the two Lycans.
‘He is defeated,’ Cevrik whispered in my ear. ‘He means
nothing anymore. He’s weak and he knows it.’
My voice broke and turned into a whisper when I shook my
head. ‘Please leave him… You had your victory.’
Cevrik laughed at my words, growling at me: ‘my greatest
victory is yet to come,’ and he pushed me away with a
force that made my knees bend and I fell on the ground,
next to Halo. There was no time to even move; Cevrik
kneeled beside me and pinned me to the ground. I growled
in pure rage when he moved on top of me, pushing me to
the ground and I felt his tongue on my shoulder, his
fangs piercing the skin and leaving bite marks that
started bleeding soon.
I saw Halo in one last attempt to get up, but when he
was pushed down again with his face in the mud I shook
my head, telling him he didn’t need to try and fight any
longer. I would bare any torture they had in mind, but I
didn’t want to see him die.
His eyes turned from black to the steel grey colour I
used to know and I tried to find comfort in them as best
as I could, using the link of true brotherhood that had
always kept us close. I could almost hear his words in
my head, whispering I would be okay.
I held on to him for as long as I could, until Cevrik
ripped the final clothes from my body and moved on to
his knees behind me. I could feel his excitement
pressing, his hands grabbing my thighs. I think I
screamed when he forced himself inside me, his teeth
sinking deep into the skin of my back, ripping the skin
and flesh, growling in his greed.
He stayed with me for a long time before he left me and
passed me on to the next, like he promised. Halo fell
unconscious several times, waking up again when someone
would hit him and force him to keep watching while they
used my body.
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
I lost track of time… Or I simply
forced myself to forget. I don’t remember what happened.
It felt as if I lost conscious and didn’t wake up for a
long time.
It was dark when I opened my eyes again. I couldn’t
move; every inch of my body was screaming in pain as
soon as I tried to. I felt no clothes on me and it was
so cold.
‘Don’t move…’
Halo’s voice whispered in my head and somewhere far
away, I felt soft, warm fur against me. I curled up
against the black wolf and Halo laid his head next to
mine, his tail softly caressing me while he kept
whispering how sorry he was, and how he would make it
all okay again. That we were safe now and he wouldn’t
let anything happen to me ever again.
Two days passed during which I slept, sometimes waking
up with fear in my heart, feeling lost and alone. But
every time I opened my eyes, Halo was there. Sometimes
he was in his human shape to take care of our wounds,
but more often he was the enormous wolf that lay close
against me, watching me while I slept.
I never asked him how he got us both out of that there,
how we both survived, or what happened exactly. It
didn’t matter any longer… We were safe and alive.
On the third day Halo woke me early
in the morning, poking my cheek with his nose. ‘We have
to get moving,’ he whispered in my ear. ‘And I need you
to transform.’
I knew I wasn’t ready, my body wasn’t ready for it, but
there was no question, no hesitation.
It hurt, the pain that had faded in the last few days
came back again, more heavy, and it took me longer than
ever before to change into my Lycan form. Halo let me
rest while I regained my strength before he grabbed my
by my neck, biting the skin and pushing me down to the
ground to make clear I had to follow him and there was
no room for disobedience. I let out a soft, low growl as
agreement.
We left the old shed he had hidden us in for days and
started walking in a quick pace, constantly scanning the
area and with every sound stopping and staying close to
me.
We travelled for days and I don’t know where we went. I
lost my sense for direction shortly after we crossed the
river and left our territory. I had never crossed the
boundaries of my father’s land until that day.
When the sun came up Halo would find a place to let us
rest, leaving me alone for a little while to find
something to eat. After that we slept in shifts, Halo
refusing to rest longer than three hours. He was
determined to increase the distance between us and our
old home and it seemed he had no time to lose.
I didn’t understand why he was so eager to move as far
away as we could. I didn’t sense any danger or signs of
pursuers. But I stayed quiet, knowing it was not my
place to question him - and I would follow him blindly
to wherever he may have led us.
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
One morning we spent together we
found refuge in a small cave high up in the mountains.
Winter was coming and to shield us from the cold I
curled up against my brother. I noticed again how he
held me close in his arms, but didn’t look at me once.
‘How long will we keep moving?’ I asked him after a
while, lifting my head to catch his eyes.
‘Just a little while longer,’ he replied while he kept
staring at the horizon where the night slowly faded into
colours of yellow and orange. His arms firmed for a
moment and I could hear the sadness in his voice, no
matter how hard he tried to hide it from me. His face
was without emotions, the wounds that crossed his cheek
and forehead almost gone but still noticeable to me.
Then he finally looked at me, his stormy grey eyes so
full of sorrow and guilt that I felt my breath catching.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ I whispered, turning inside his
embrace and holding myself tight against him.
A soft growl escaped his lips, ‘I should have protected
you like I was supposed to do. If I hadn’t been so
determined to keep fighting you would have been save… ’
He grimaced, ‘then they wouldn’t have touched you.’
I shook my head, not holding back the tears, ‘No, no,
don’t say that…’ My voice turned to a broken whisper
when flashes of things that took place forced themselves
up on me – feeling again how their hands grabbed me,
tearing open my skin with their claws and teeth,
growling in their hunger and lust to dominate while they
raped me. And in the midst of all the chaotic flashes
there was Cevrik’s face. Grinning as he watched, his
words filling my head – words I had forgotten until
then. ‘That’s enough. Don’t taint her… She’s mine.’
I didn’t know where the words or memories came from, but
I forced them back, shivering against my brother while I
tried to forget again. I didn’t want to remember…
‘You did what you could,’ I whispered to Halo. ‘I don’t
want you to feel responsible… please don’t…’
He stayed quiet for a long time before he nodded and
kissed my forehead. ‘We will be haunted by this for a
very long time, but I won’t let anything ever happen to
you again. I love you too much,’ he said with a soft
smile. ‘Never forget that, little girl.’
Those were the final words we spoke about what happened.
But even now, years later, I can still see the guilt in
his eyes when he looks at me – hidden somewhere deep,
and it will never leave.
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
I thought we left it behind us, back
then, when we left the cave and started travelling
again, even though Halo’s words never left me.
But when the full moon rose I started feeling what he
meant. I was to menstruate but it didn’t come. I didn’t
want to pay attention to it, but it kept lingering in my
mind all day long. And I noticed Halo’s looks, even
though I didn’t understand.
My bleeding never came and I tried to tell myself it was
because of all that had happened one full moon ago. But
I couldn’t deny I felt the changes that started
happening the following weeks. And when the next full
moon came, I could no longer hide the truth.
Where I was able to walk for an entire day without
growing tired, I now felt almost exhausted at the fall
of evening. Food didn’t taste as good as it did before
and made me nauseous more than often.
The more I became aware of those changes, the more it
scared me. As much as I wanted to keep denying and find
excuses to preserve my own sanity, I couldn’t any
longer. I knew it was true. I could feel it growing
inside me, every minute when I was awake, haunting me
when I was asleep.
I remember the first time Halo laid his hand on my
belly. I saw his eyes glowing but he didn’t smile. I
know it was because he saw the dead fear in my eyes. I
even believe he could sense it.
He just looked at me and the silence was killing me.
Then he said: ‘If you wish to keep this child, it will
mean you have to keep hiding, like we are now. It might
take years before Cevrik will give up searching for you.
But he most likely never will.’
I felt my heart stopping, right there. His words
penetrating the numbness in my head and filling me with
a stinging pain.
Halo must have seen it because he removed his hand and
pulled me close in a warm, comforting embrace. I knew he
hated it as much as I did.
‘Maybe it’s not Cevrik’s,’ I whispered, in a moment of
pure despair, knowing myself how ridiculous it sounded.
Halo just shook his head. ‘It is his. A male Lycan has a
nose for female pheromones and knows when the time is
right. He made sure…’
I shivered and remained quiet.
‘But don’t be afraid,’ my brother whispered in my ear.
‘I am right here, and if you want to keep this child, it
will grow up a strong Lycan. I would never let anything
happen to you or it.’I nodded softly. ‘And if I don’t
want it?’
‘Then we will find it a good home, where it will grow up
in safety without fear.’
For a long time we sat there silent. I cried while
despair took control of me, whispering what I knew and
felt deep in my heart. ‘I don’t want it… I don’t want
it…’
- - - - - - )O( - - - - - -
Winter came and we travelled,
avoiding cities and villages as much as we could. I got
used to sleeping in caves and hollowed trees - to the
constant alertness in my body that peaked with every
strange sound or unknown scent.
The child inside me kept growing and after three months
my belly began to grow as well. With it came the
unpleasant, physical side effects of my pregnancy. But
even though I learned it was easier and more bearable if
I stayed in my human shape, my Lycan soul grew more
restless.
I would wake up in the middle of the night with an
excruciating hunger, finding myself changing quickly to
go and hunt, killing everything that crossed my path. In
the morning I’d wake up covered in blood, more than once
not even fully changed back to my human form.
As time passed and my belly kept growing and I could
feel the child inside me growing stronger, the fear I
felled turned into wariness and overprotection. I
snarled at Halo when he came too close, or when he tried
to touch me and comfort me. It wasn’t that I didn’t
trust him any longer, but I couldn’t fight the instincts
of the Lycan mother inside me, or my baby’s need for
safety and protection.
One morning Halo woke me up by
shaking me lightly and before I could stop myself, I
moved with an incredible speed, grabbed his hand and
biting him. He didn’t fight me when I did. Not when my
fangs grew and ripped his skin and flesh, not when I
growled dark and angry. He didn’t stop me, even though I
knew that if he wanted he could have easily fought me
back. A second I even realized he could break my neck
with a single blow of his hand.
Maybe that was when I came back to my senses. I let go
of him, almost too afraid to look at him. His blood
burned in my mouth and my breath was heavy and deep. My
eyes filled with tears when he kneeled next to me and
closed his arms around me firmly. I fought the embrace,
but he was far too strong and he kept whispering: ‘it’s
okay, little girl, it’s okay’, and finally I gave in.
Crying and shaking until I felt empty, whispering and
begging him: ‘I don’t want it. Please take it away. Get
it out of me…'